Imperfect Genius

NOTES & REFLECTIONS #2
“How To Talk So Kids Will Listen”
By Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

Concept: Denial of feelings can make kids feel confused, misunderstood, or angry. It also teaches them to ignore or distrust their feelings.

I never realized I how much I did this until after I saw it described in black and white. From that moment on I was sharply aware of how often I felt compelled to deny their feelings. Usually I thought it was for their own good, to save them from prolonging a hurt. When Mehalje cried over not being able to go to the park I said, “Cheer up, it’s not so bad. Maybe it won’t be raining tomorrow and we can go then. There’s no reason to be so upset.”

Sometimes I denied because I had a knee-jerk reaction when they expressed a strong emotion, such as when Alaska referred to a neighborhood kid by saying, “I hate that boy!” I quickly responded with, “That’s not a very nice thing to say! You’re just frustrated because you aren’t getting along with him right now.”

What I realize now is that my own feelings were not matching up to my words. With the first instance, I thought, “She’s so disappointed. It’s hard to see her this upset. I wish there was something I could do.” It makes no sense at all to tell someone, “Well just stop feeling that way!” but that’s exactly what I did. I also belittled her feelings by making them seem inappropriate. What I really wanted was for her to let go of her disappointment and feel happy again, but instead of finding a creative way to help her work through her sadness, I denied her feelings and told her to get over it.

I could have said, “I can see that you’re very upset. You were really looking forward to going to the park today, weren’t you?” That would have acknowledged her feelings and let her know that I understood what she felt. It also would have allowed her to talk about it with me, since I was giving her a safe space to express her emotions. Having been able to do so, it would have been easier for her to let go of that feeling and move on to other things.

However, with the way things actually happened, she dragged around for over an hour, although she never said another word to me about it. I spent the better part of an afternoon feeling frustrated about her continual sulking, aware that her silence was suppose to be my punishment for not understanding how she felt. Of course, I knew all too well how she felt, but my words didn’t express that.

With the second example, my immediate thought was, “I really dislike the emotion of ‘hate’. I don’t want him to feel that towards another person. He’s so angry.” Rather talking with him about it and trying to figure out why he was angry, my first reaction was to admonish him for telling me how he felt. Then I denied his feelings by telling him that he was actually experiencing something else.

I could have said, “Hate is a very strong word to use. You must really feel angry towards Jacob!” This would have opened the door for him to talk to me about it, because I was accepting of his feelings. It would have also let him know that I think using the word ‘hate’ is a big deal, stopping short of any admonishments about it’s use. Maybe he would have told me what happened with Jacob to make him so upset. Or perhaps, having been heard and understood, he would have just said, “Yes I am!” and then ran off to play.

But I didn’t handle his feelings with that level of care. So instead, he stopped his feet and declared, “Yes I DO hate him!” and then huffed off to his room. Oops! The next time was upset, he might not have been so forthcoming in telling me. Or he might have experienced confusion about how he felt, making it harder to have worked through his emotions.

Although I am not perfect, I’m pretty good about trying to resolve a problem once it’s pointed out to me. I’ve since tried really hard to respond to my children in a helpful, understanding way. It’s not always easy because I have to unlearn my bad habit of immediately denying their feelings. I don’t think I’m alone in having this type of automatic response to my children’s emotions, because now that I’m aware of it I notice it happening all around me.

This awareness has brought something else to my attention - well meaning adults do it to each other, too. It’s not just children who experience the frustration and hurt of having their feelings denied. This realization hit a little too close to home when a friend of mine and I were having a discussion a couple months ago. But that’s a whole story in itself, so I’ll save it for another post.