Imperfect Genius

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Skill : Engaging Cooperation Through Play

When my firstborn was little I was a very gentle, playful parent. Somewhere along the way I lost that quality and more often than not I found myself resorting to other tactics I’m not so proud of. I think this happens to a lot of us. One of my favorite quotes is: “Before I had children I was the perfect parent.” Aren’t we all. Fortunately, each day presents an opportunity to do things differently, and my kids never fail to provide me with plenty of challenges.

Yesterday I did laundry while Alaska listened to music and danced around. [ Alaska has such high energy, he is constantly on the move. There are days when I’m convinced he can’t sit still for more than a minute at a time. ] It was a pretty neat song about imagination and he was really grooving to it.

I got to a point where all I had left to put away were the kids’ clothes. A few months ago we reorganized their closet so it would be more kid-friendly. There were struggles in getting the kids to keep their clean laundry off the floor. We felt it’s important they learn to take care of their own clothes. Making these changes helped. Now they know they are expected to participate in getting the laundry put away.

I asked him to come help, but he shouted, “No!”

I walked into the kitchen and gave him a pointed look. “Is that how you should speak to me?”

“Well… no. But I’m doing some really cool stuff and I want to keep dancing.”

My usual reaction would have been to tell him the dancing could wait, he had a job to do right now. My impatience gets the best of me sometimes. Instead I took a minute to think of a compromise. “Okay, why don’t you show me some of those cool moves and then come help me do laundry.”

His face lit up. “Okay!” And so he restarted the song and showed me a new spinning move he’d been working on. He jumped into the air, spun all the way around and landed back on his feet.

“You can spin all the way around. That’s pretty impressive!” I walked back to the laundry room area and he followed. For a few minutes he hung up clothes as I put them on the hanger but when we were almost done he started climbing the bunk beds in his room and throwing clothes in the air. Grrr!!

I could have quickly put the clothes away, which would have taken less effort and time than trying to engage him in doing the work himself, but I felt like it was important that he help finish the task. Normally I would have fussed at him and then resentfully put them away myself. There had to be a respectful solution.

He ran back out into the hallway and started doing his new spin-jump again. “I see a few more things that need to be put away.” No response. I decided to try a direct approach. “There are clothes that you need to put away, now.”

“I can’t do it. I can’t see them.”

Resisting the urge to yell at him to stopthatrightnow! I calmly said, “You can’t see the clothes because you’re spinning.”

“No, I can’t see them because I don’t have any eyes.” Now he was slowing turning in a circle with his eyes closed.

Maybe it was the influence of the ‘imagination song’ or my own inner child reaching out, but I suddenly found myself saying, “Oh, I see the problem now. How about I let you borrow my eyes so you can finish your job?”

He stopped spinning. “Okay!”

I pretended to hand him my eyes and stood there with my own eyes shut, feigning blindness. “Can you see now?”

“Yes!” I heard him grab his shorts off the washer and run into his room. A few seconds later he came out and touched my hand. “Here are your eyes back!”

I pretended to put them back on. “Thanks, I need those.” When I opened my eyes I saw a big smile on his face. I noticed a few more things yet to be put away, so we did it two more times and he eagerly cooperated.

Finally everything was put away! We made it through an entire chore without any yelling, blaming, crying, or resentment. And I have to admit, it was pretty fun for both of us.