Imperfect Genius

More Than Fine has a written a post discussing her childhood experiences of dealing with divorce and adultery. Despite her efforts, those memories occasionally give rise to worries in her adult life. I think that’s perfectly normal. No matter how hard we try to get past our childhood crap, there are things that stay with us. Her post got me to thinking about my own perspective.

Even at a young age it was clear to me that my parents’ relationship wasn’t working. They were not romantically compatible, but tried very hard to make it work because they wanted my sister and I to have an intact family. I know some see that as a noble effort, but had anyone asked me, I would have readily admitted that I didn’t feel like they were doing me any favors. I know they tried to shelter us from the worst of things, but it was still very tense in our home. Yet they remained together because they thought it was the right thing to do for us.

In my not-so-humble opinion, it would have been better for everyone involved if they had just divorced. We all deserve happiness, I’m a firm believer in that. I know my sister and I would have been better served by seeing our each of our parents living a happy life, the one they really wanted and found meaningful, even if that meant they’d end up with other people, than to see them desperately grasping at straws and suffering through a bad marriage.

Eventually they did divorce and both wound up remarried and it seems they are much happier. If only they’d been able to admit defeat sooner rather than later. From my experience, staying together for the sake of the kids is NOT a good reason to stay in a marriage! It really bothers me when people suggest this to folks who are miserably unhappy. Uck, don’t put that kind of burden on the kids! It made me feel responsible for their unhappiness, because I knew that if we hadn’t been around, they would have parted ways much sooner.

I definitely don’t want to be the cause or reason for someone else’s unhappiness. If my husband were to ever decide that he no longer found any happiness in our marriage, I’m sure I’d feel a range of intense emotions - sadness, frustration, confusion - and that would be very difficult, but I wouldn’t want him to stay with me just because it was the right thing to do. And I don’t want my children to grow up with parents who are afraid to pursue a meaningful life.

As for infidelity, psychologists says it’s usually a sign of a bigger problem, such as lack of communication or feelings of personal unfulfillment. There are probably many motives for being unfaithful, but I think that most people are fearful of being honest - either with themselves or their spouse - about their true feelings, whatever they may be, and cheating is a symptom of that.