Imperfect Genius

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What happens when you’ve reached a point in your life when something isn’t making sense anymore, but you don’t know how to do things differently? What if you haven’t been exposed to alternatives? How can you make changes?

I compare this to seeing colors. If all you’ve ever been aware of is the color green, if you’ve only been surrounded by the color green, then it’s all you’ve ever known. How would you ever know there are a rainbow of other colors in the world? The people in your life also only see the color green, and they seem content with that. But what happens when you want more, or better, than just the color green? What can you do?

There have been times in my life when I knew only one way of doing things, one way of seeing a situation, one way of thinking. But sometimes it didn’t feel right. That one way didn’t fit me. But I also felt stuck, because I didn’t know of any other way. I either continued to do things as I always had, or did nothing because I couldn’t figure out what the alternatives were.

When it came to the education of my children, I was faced with limited options. I knew public school was not the right choice for our family and private schools were either too expensive or not compatible with our lifestyle. Neither schooling option was the right fit. I became very stressed out as time went by and The Big Decision loomed ahead.

I also experienced this lack of choices with religion. The few options I knew of didn’t feel right. My solution was to simply do nothing, which was better than participating in something which held no meaning for me. I needed a place that was supportive and accepting, a place where I could grow and share. But I went many years without that because I could not find a spiritual community that spoke to me.

With almost any major decision in my life, I try to weigh all the options. But there are times when I don’t have all the information I need, when I’m not aware of alternatives. It’s impossible to make an informed choice in these situations, so I take what I have to work with and do the best I can, while remaining open to improvement.

There are endless opinions and various ways of thinking on just about every subject imaginable. But only a few of these make into the mainstream. These few ideas become the accepted standard. Most people (myself included) remain unaware of the dissenting viewpoints. So, even when something isn’t working or doesn’t feel right, we feel powerless to do anything else. Often times we aren’t aware of the choices we have.

Playing It By Ear recently wrote about how it was disappointing to be in a room full of intelligent women who’d never been introduced to alternative ways of parenting. They were doing it the only way they knew how, by following mainstream methods concerning pregnancy, birth, and child raising. But was this by choice? If they’d never experienced anything different, if they weren’t exposed to a variety of options, then there was no other method to consider.

[Before I convey the wrong message, let me insert a quick sidenote: There are many different ways to give birth and raise children. These are very personal decisions. I’m not judging the appropriateness or validity of these decisions! I’m commenting on the limited amount of information that is widely disseminated within our society and the persistent misunderstandings about non-mainstream ideas. This effectively diminishes the number of options we’re exposed to.]

There are many reasons why certain ideas are accepted without challenge. For one, it’s easier. No swimming upstream against the current. Secondly, most people are unaware of alternatives. How can they make different choices if they don’t know all their options? And third, non-mainstream ideas are all too often dismissed as ‘radical’ or ‘weird’, two labels people generally hesitate to associate themselves with. And lastly, mainstream ideas and methods must work quite well for some people, or obviously they wouldn’t have made it into popular culture. For these folks, there is no reason to search for alternatives.

I think two things must happen in order for people to move away from familiar methods and embrace alternative ideas.

1) An awareness of our choices, usually through exposure to a variety of ideas. Even when we know that the status-quo isn’t working, it’s nearly impossible to do it differently if we don’t have the right tools, which includes the power of information. We make discoveries through other people, through experience, and occasionally by accident.

2) A mindshift that allows us to accept the alternatives as valid choices. Sometimes this happens quickly because our discoveries are just what we’ve been searching for. But a mindshift can also be a slow process, requiring years of reflection, trial and error, research, and possibly undergoing major life changes that give us different perspectives.

I’ve noticed a process that I go through with self-directed changes, the ones I intentionally seek. First comes the realization that I need to make a change in a some aspect of my life. Then I go in search of my options. This process is both internal and external - I look inwardly, trying to understand my motivations and goals, and I reach out to find resources and information. Occasionally I find what I’m looking for right away, but often it’s a long, open-ended search. When I encounter a new idea I usually need time to process it, to consider if it makes sense to me. Then there is a period of change once I finally find something that fits and begin to head in that direction.

With my children’s education, I was lucky enough to discover homeschooling before my oldest started school. I had an inkling of the idea for years - I mean who hasn’t at least heard the word ‘homeschooling’ these days? But I didn’t know much about it and the “normal” thing to do was to put my children in school. It didn’t take much of a mindshift for me to realize homeschooling was appealing, but I did do a lot of research and thinking about it before I felt ready to let go of the other options and completely embrace homeschooling. Once I did, I felt like a weight had been lifted and I knew I’d made the right choice.

It was different with my spiritual search. For the longest time I just sort of coasted along, not really involved with anything, and not really thinking about what was meaningful to me. I think this is partly because I’d almost given up on the idea of finding a community that I could identify with. Then I met Chris and he felt the same way I did. Our relationship gave me a sense of safety and security, because we were united in our views, it wasn’t just me against the world (because truly it felt that way sometimes, lol). I felt comfortable enough to venture out into the greater world on a spiritual search. One day I stumbled across UUism and it clicked immediately. Again, I felt a sense of relief as another aspect of my life fell into place.

I find this search-discover-change process empowering and exciting. Along the way I enjoy learning about different perspectives and philosophies, even if I don’t agree with them. These discoveries give me an opportunity to think about the life I want to live, opening doors to self improvement. The feeling of longing for the “something more” has helped me learn more about myself and the people I love.

I hope I never stop searching for the rest of the rainbow, because I think there will always be room to grow!