Imperfect Genius

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Playing It By Ear sure has been giving me lots of stuff to expand on lately! In one of her older posts she discussed the differences between extrinsic and intrinsic motivations. It got me to thinking about my own personal, inner reasons for homeschooling.

I’ve given many explanations for why we homeschool, like giving the kids a custom learning environment and the freedom to explore their own interests. It’s true that I feel homeschooling is the best choice for my kids, but this is an external reason, and it does little to explain the value that homeschooling holds for ME.

Playing By Ear writes: This is what is known among psychologists as ‘extrinsic motivation’ - motivation to do something based on rewards, or something done for someone else out of the goodness of your heart.

On the other hand, intrinsic motivations arise out of our inner desires and usually benefit us in some way. I realized how little I’ve discussed my reasons for homeschooling. I think it’s important for homeschoolers to share this side of our journeys, because there seems to be quite a bit of misunderstanding about what type of person makes a good homeschooling parent.

I’ve heard lots of comments like:

“I could never homeschool, it’s so time consuming!”
“I’m just not organized enough to do it, it would be overwhelming.”
“It seems that homeschooling parents make huge sacrifices for their kids.”
“I’m in awe of how much patience you homeschoolers must have!”

All of the people who made these remarks have one thing in common - they only see the extrinsic value of homeschooling. They tend to see homeschooling parents as extremely devoted, incredibly organized, angelically patient people who are selflessly dedicated to the education of their children to the point of making great sacrifices in their own lives.

Because our society is very critical of parents, it’s hard for someone to say, “Hey, call me selfish but I just can’t give that much!” But when people make these comments, it’s clear that very thought has crossed their mind. Truthfully, if we all thought of homeschooling in this limited way - as being a chore and of only having value for our children - then very few of us would be doing it! We all have needs of our own that should be fulfilled, and while the idea of making huge sacrifices sounds very noble on paper, it doesn’t necessarily translate to happiness in real life.

Raising homeschooling parents to this mythical standard - where we have unending patience, perfect organizational skills, and completely selfless motives - creates an illusion about homeschooling that makes it seem like we’re achieving the impossible. No wonder homeschooling seems too daunting and sacrificial to most folks! They compare themselves to this ideal and come up short. I believe this myth discourages people from exploring homeschooling as a viable option.

But that isn’t the only harm this illusion does. Research shows people who are intrinsically motivated to do something tend to be more successful. Those who are externally motivated tend to become frustrated and give up easier. No wonder! If I was only doing something out of the best interest of someone else and found no personal value in doing it I’d soon grow tired of it and perhaps even a little resentful, particularly if it was a task that took lots of time and energy.

This is not to say that all our efforts need to be inwardly motivated, but with big decisions in life, such as homeschooling, it’s certainly helpful if we can discover our own benefits in it. Otherwise it’s probably a project doomed for failure. It’s hard to keep at something when you cannot see the personal worth in doing it.

[Some people might assert that parenting is an example of a selfless action, but I disagree. For most of us there are numerous intrinsic motivations for having children in the first place - we want them, they fulfill a need in our lives, we enjoy being part of a family, etc.]

I wish I could get non-homeschoolers to see that I’m not hovering anywhere near the level of perfection they think I am. I do not have a large amount of patience, my home is not spotless nor perfectly organized, and I’m not likely to receive an award for achievement in parenting any time soon.

It’s not like I was predestined to homeschool because of my superior skills (ha!). In reality, homeschooling allows me to turn my flaws into positives. For example, I’m not great at dealing with inflexible schedules. I hated mornings when I have to get myself and the kids out the door and to such-and-such a place at some ungodly hour. If my kids were in school I’d have to get them up at 6:30am, feed them, dress them and drive them down to the bus stop five days a week. Then I’d have to be back there later, waiting to meet the bus precisely at 3:15 each day. That’s uncomfortably close to my idea of hell. Just the thought of it feels like a noose around my neck.

On the other hand, homeschooling allows me to have the type of morning I want: relaxed and slow. We sleep until we’re rested, curl up on the couch with a good book and stay in our pajamas until noon. We’ve pretty much done away with alarm clocks at our house.

I’m absolutely not great at being organized - at least not in a conventional way. I’d surely misplace my daughter’s math homework and I’d forget to turn in the required field trip forms. While other parents handle these things with ease, I find keeping up with that sort of stuff stressful. Good thing I’m not your accountant, right?

Another valuable thing about homeschooling is that I don’t have to deal with bureaucratic crap. I don’t have to attend conferences and meetings where I sit across the desk and hear about how my kids aren’t perfect or be made to feel guilty because I’m not doing things the school’s way. And I speak from experience, because we dealt with the school system when my daughter was receiving services from them and it was *exactly* like that for us.

I’m also saving myself from the stress of trying to conform to a system that doesn’t fit my parenting philosophy. Case in point: one of my friends, a public-schooling mom, got called into the principals office last year because her son had missed several days of school. There were very good reasons why she’d kept him home but the school was not understanding. She was threatened with truancy. Ack! I can’t imagine someone else having that kind of hold over how I choose to raise my own child from day to day. If I want to keep my kid home because he/she is having a bad day, then so be it! So I guess I’ve circumvented that problem by just keeping them out of school altogether, lol.

What I’m saying is that homeschooling can have lots of benefits for the parents, too. Sure, it’s great for the kids and they’re happy not having to sit in a desk and jump through hoops and blah blah blah, but the big secret is that we’re really homeschooling for me… because I want to sleep in until 9:30 every morning and fill out as few forms as possible. Bwahaahaha!!