Imperfect Genius

I came across an article on Daily Mail that made me pause. Written by Helen Kirwan-Taylor, a 42-year-old writer from London, the article, entitled Sorry, But My Children Bore Me To Death!, condones motherhood as a stifling boring, depressing task. The author concludes that it should be avoid if at all possible, even if you’re already a mother.

To be fair, there are a few points on which I agree with the author, and I will write about these first. For example, she comments on child-centric parenting, which has been taken to the extreme by some. I’m mostly in agreement with her on this. Call me a bad momma, but my children will not grow up thinking they are the center of the universe. They might be the center of MY universe, but it’s quite false to lead them to believe that everyone shares that view.

It’s a struggle to give my kids a realistic view of their place in the world and to help them develop respectful manners, because we encounter well-meaning people all the time who treat my kids as if the planet is orbiting them. My mother-in-law is one example. She is a wonderful lady whom I love dearly, however she cannot socialize with fellow adults if children are within 100 yards.

She lets them interrupt constantly. She pauses mid-sentence to chat with them if they happen by. She leaves whatever activity she’s engaged in whenever they call her for any reason. It’s an exercise in frustration trying to hold a conversation with her, and as a parent of said children, it’s also irritating. This not only encourages rude behavior on their part, she’s demonstrating bad manners herself. And worse, it lends to the idea that grown-ups should drop everything and pay attention to children immediately each time they so desire.

When we return to pick up our children after they have spent some with her, she frequently mentions how mentally exhausted she feels and how she didn’t get anything done. No wonder! My children are no fools, they know that how to take full advantage of her attention and she lets them do it. She’s catering to their every whim and pushing her own needs and chores to the side. I’d be mentally exhausted, too, if I couldn’t finish a single thought because I was giving someone else my undivided attention every moment of the day.

My children are very important to me, and I want them to know and feel this, but I do not want them to feel that they are the most important person on earth and that their desires come before all others. I refuse to raise my children to believe that the entire world revolves around them. Unfortunately, I’ve met children who have parents that adhere to this ego-catering, and they struck me as selfish, rude kids who didn’t understand teamwork or patience.

Wanting to interrupt a conversation twenty times to ask for a cookie, or tell us that Harry Potter just said something funny, or point out the cat’s soft fur is not a pressing nor critical need. I really enjoy when my kids share things they discover and find exciting with me, but not when that sharing means they’re engaging in rude behavior. There is no harm - in fact I think it’s actually quite beneficial - for them to learn they must wait their turn; that barring emergencies, their wants and desires may, on occasion, fall in line behind those of others.

Often I must consider their basic needs before mine, but not necessarily everything else. Their interests, activities, and requests are not always going to take priority over mine or their father’s or other significant people in their lives. There must be a balance. When I became a mother I didn’t sign a contract in which I gave up my own interests and desires. However, by having children I did make an agreement in which I strive to fulfill the needs and wants of my children when possible, while continuing to honor my own.

In the article, the author also points out that motherhood can be a lonely existence. This is true to some extent, particularly with homeschooling parents. We are with our children the majority of the day, especially when they are young, and it can make us feel isolated. Frequently we find that we must exclude ourselves from most engagements which are exclusively for adults. We simply don’t need a sitter on a regular basis, so we are out of the childcare loop, so to speak. Our infrequent need of sitters makes finding a suitable arrangement for those occasional events difficult.

Helen states in the article, “The trouble for a mother like me is that not being completely and utterly enthralled with, dedicated to and obsessed with one’s children is a secret guarded, if not until death, then until someone else confesses first.”

Okay, I’ll confess. I am not obsessed with my children. I think it’s unhealthy for any person to be obsessed with another person. I love my children and yes, I do believe that I am a dedicated mother, but I have not dedicated my entire life to my children. I had a life before children, and I continue to have one now. And I am sure that I’ll still have one even when they are grown and living beyond the boundaries of my home. It is possible to raise children and have some autonomy.

I want to live with my kids and share experiences, not relive my own childhood through them. I don’t want to give them “the life I wish I’d lived”. They must discover their own path, and by living the life I want I’m setting the best example I can. Parents who fail to live their own lives, and give up everything to allow their children to have and do all the things they want, aren’t doing their kids any favors.

That truly is boring. Isn’t it better for children to grow up around adults that engage in and explore their own interests? Adults who are passionate about something? Who have experiences and ideas to share?

Continue to Part Two, where I share my dissenting views of Helen’s article.

Tags: Motherhood | Parenting | Criticism