Monday, July 3rd, 2006...5:38 am
Finding Answers
Lots of homeschoolers struggle with the question, “Why do you homeschool?”
It’s usually posed by well-meaning, curious folks who are unaware that their casual, seemingly straightforward inquiry will invariably induce symptoms such as sweating, anxiety, inability to focus, and a feeling of impending doom.
We will, however, attempt to hide this panic attack with a nervous smile as we think over the dozens of possible answers. We have so many reasons – from our initial motives for beginning homeschooling to the many benefits we’ve discovered along the way. But surely the person who posed the question isn’t looking for a twenty minute epilogue!
Nor do they want us to unleash a rant about why we don’t send our kids to school. We begin feeling lightheaded and dizzy as we discard one answer after another because it might sound judgmental of public education. We’re desperately searching for something neutral and non-threatening. We need something smart and simple.
Try as we might, an easy answer eludes us. Our stomachs twist into knots, words lodge in our throat, and our minds race into overdrive. We’re approaching meltdown.
When we finally do choke out a breathless reply we become an animated example of a never-ending run-on sentence. We fear that we aren’t making any sense, and we truly aren’t, but we’re too oxygen deprived to realize that further explanations are only making things worse.
In our heads our philosophies are a collection of well thought-out, solid reasons, but they dissolve into word vomit the moment we open our mouth. We discover all too late that we cannot form a coherent sentence. We finally shut up only because we realize we’ve inserted both feet in our mouth and talking has become impossible.
Needless to say, this situation isn’t comfortable for anyone involved, but if my own experience and comments from other homeschoolers are any indication, it happens all the time.
A quick fix to this problem is the famed “bean dip response” in which we try to change the topic as quickly as possible. “Oh, we just feel it’s what the kids need right now. Have you tried the bean dip?” This works well in situations where we’re not ready to have a lengthy conversation about homeschooling.
It also comes in handy when the other person is looking for an opportunity to criticize our decision to homeschool and we want to cut them off before the debate starts again. It’s quick and non-confrontational and it can be used in just about any situation. “We wanted to give Jenny some one-on-one help this year. Have you tried the bean dip at that new Mexican restaurant?”
But what about the person who is seeking a genuine answer? Or the times when you really want to give people a meaningful reply. We need an elevator speech, which is short and to the point but provides food for thought. It gives people a little something they can take with them to ponder on later.
These are the folks we meet that might not be ready for a two hour debate on the merits of home education, but they aren’t so nosy or critical that they qualify for a bean dip response, either. So what’s in between? How can we compress all our heart-felt convictions into a tidy, interesting reply?
This issue is the topic of many conversations in support groups and homeschool communities around the blogosphere. June of These Go To Eleven, shares an example of this dilemma. A neighbor posed the infamous “why” question after she mentioned her plans to start homeschooling. In her post Beyond Pass the Bean Dip, she writes:
Many friends and relatives really want to know, and perhaps even deserve at least a cursory explanation of why we have decided to pull our kids from public school. [...] How do I give an intelligent response without offending those who choose to send their children to public schools or are ardent supporters of public schooling? No matter how much I try to focus my response on ourselves, somehow those negative comments about school make their way out of my mouth.
I feel her pain. I struggle with the same problem. Some of my nearest and dearest friends have children in public school. They’re wonderful parents and I know they’ve made the best choice for their families and I respect their decision. But when it comes to answering the “why” question, especially when posed by strangers, it’s all I can do to stop myself from screaming John Holt quotes.
I have very strong views about public schools. These come from my own experiences as well as years of observations and lots of contemplation. I didn’t arrive at my opinions casually. I feel very passionate about this topic, so it’s hard for me just shut up and find a neat, unoffensive answer.
In truth, we aren’t homeschooling as a reaction to public schools, we have a whole host of reasons that don’t directly involve the school system. So when I focus on answers that the pertain to problems with schools, I’m really not giving attention to these lessor known but genuine joys of homeschooling. I’m missing out a great chance to share the discoveries we’ve made, to be an advocate for something I love.
However, regardless of my intentions and the chance to really make something of these opportunities, it seems like my answers always come down to some version of homeschooling versus public school.
Continue to Part II of Finding Answers.
7 Comments
July 3rd, 2006 at 7:52 am
I’ve been lucky – no one has ever questioned or challenged our decision. When we tell people we home school, they just say, “Cool!” If anyone asked me about this, in a pointed way, I think I’d be tempted to open my big blue eyes real wide and say … (sarcasm alert) “oh … wow … you mean I was supposed to send them to SCHOOL after they turned six? I’m sorry … um … I must have forgotten.”
July 3rd, 2006 at 10:17 am
Thank you soooooo much for not only helping to answer my question, but for restating the entire issue so eloquently! You truly described my thoughts so much better than I ever could! Thank you.
July 3rd, 2006 at 11:32 am
I’m going to read this post again and follow all the links but one comment I wanted to make is that I’m not sure we need to take full responsibility for other people ‘hearing’ negatives in our positive answer.
I had this experience when my daughter was very young. At that time, I had gone back to work full time and she was in (a very good) day care. She was thriving. I was happy with the decision. But without even asking me why I did that or what my experience was, I found a lot of moms imputed a criticism of them in my action. So they would start conversations with things like “I know you probably think I’m wasting my education but I think it is better to stay home with my kids.” Or mom’s who did work would start out by saying that they ‘wished’ they could stay home with their kids. The worst one I ever heard was a mom who felt bad that her kid liked the day care (and went on to say that she ‘needed’ to work for the money and wished she didn’t).
Many of these women had choices but chose to act as if they didn’t. That last example was a mom who lived in an area where real estate was pretty expensive. Some of those she was talking to on that occasion lived in nice neighbourhoods that were cheaper. And others really were strapped for cash.
Sometimes other people want external validation of their own choices. If they think that there is only one right way then the very fact that you have chosen to do things differently than they have will imply a criticism of their choices. There is nothing you can do about that. And it seems that lots of people don’t want to take responsibility for the fact that they have choices and have made choices.
I think some homeschoolers have come to homeschooling because we do realize that we have choices and because we take responsibility for those choices. Personally, I had made a choice that I wasn’T going to sit in an office being bored and unchallenged in order to bring in a pay cheque. I now work for myself and do interesting work. And when I don’t have interesting work, I do something else. So when my daughter was bored and unchallenged at school, I recognized how frustrating that was and thought that she could be doing the equivalent of self-employment. So we now homeschool. But all those folks who think you just have to put up with the boredom and inanities of work to bring home a paycheque don’t get it. And they often think that kids need to go to school to learn how to put up with the boredom so they don’t get homeschooling either.
I like the idea of planting seeds and giving them something to think about. it would be great if they became aware that they might have choices and maybe could do things differently. But some will find that risk terrifying and react accordingly. That is their problem. Not ours.
July 3rd, 2006 at 11:07 pm
Very well said.
July 4th, 2006 at 11:05 am
The usual question I get is “So how long are you going to homeschool?” I think some people ask this because they want more information about our decision or our lifestyle, but it might seem confrontational to ask “Why do you homeschool?” Or maybe they’re afraid I would imply they made a bad choice by sending their kids to school. At any rate, I am rarely asked “Why”; I’m usually asked “For how long?”
Unfortunately, that question is itself rife with negative implications. It might mean “What age do you think they’re going to need the socialization of school?” (Argh.) It might mean “Surely you aren’t going to try to teach trigonometry, or physics… are you?” And I am annoyed by the vibe I get, at times, that homeschooling is okay right now, but only because my kids are just 6 and 2. It depends on the person asking, but sometimes the subtext is “Sure, you’ve gotten away with it so far, but eventually your kids will need school.”
Luckily, at least this question is concrete, so I can say “Oh, straight through until college. Have you tried the bean dip?”
July 6th, 2006 at 8:55 am
Wow, what a great post! You expressed this beautifully! I cannot begin to tell you how I loved your post.
My most common questions are why aren’t they in school? and How long are you going to do this? Amazingly the people I seem to have to defend myself against was my parents and my inlaws.
I always seem to answer with one foot in my mouth at all times. Now I have some more great answers
July 19th, 2006 at 9:32 am
LOL! You described *exactly* what goes on in my head when I try to answer that question. Down to the minute.
) How do you condense all of your well thought out reasons while balancing trying to not come off judgemental.
I have finally gotten it down to “I enjoy the freedom”. Simple, concise and if folks want more detail, I can get into it (I actually have a half written blog post about the freedom that we have with homeschooling).
I actually have a post up over at Life Without School about that other challenging question “I don’t know how you do it”:
http://lifewithoutschool.typepad.com/lifewithoutschool/2006/07/i_dont_know_how.html