Wednesday, June 28th, 2006...4:20 pm
Countering Assumptions
Hi, my name is Susan and I’m an intellectual, feminist, stay-at-home mom, as are many of my friends. Yes, we do exist!
This post originally started off as a response to Unleashing the Wrath of Stay-at-Home Moms, Moonshadow’s post about the continuing so-called “mommy wars”. But of course I got long winded (big surprise there) so I’m elaborating on my thoughts here.
She makes several good points in her post and just in case you’ve been living under a rock (or under three kids, a stack of library books, and a dozen art projects) and have no clue as to what we’re talking about, you can check out the suggested reads on her blog for more info on this story.
Moonshadows wrote about the assumption that women who stay home don’t use their intellect. In Homeward Bound, Linda Hirshman suggests that stay-at-home moms don’t engage in valuable and worthy interests and that their mental skills go to waste by staying at home. On the other hand, she implies that working women have opportunities to engage in meaningful activities where they put their talents to good use.
Funny thing is that I feel like I have more time to use my intellect than I ever did while working. I have discovered so much about my self and the world around me since I became a sahm, simply because I can stop and smell the flowers, because I can take twenty minutes to just sit peacefully, because I can see the world through the eyes of my children and enjoy their fascination with life, because I can have a slow day and be mindful and aware of all my thoughts.
Perhaps Hirshman would say that all this mental clarity and philosophical musing is pointless since I’m not “out there” doing something with it. I disagree - I think it makes a huge difference in how happy I am, the evolution of my spiritual self, my skills as a mother, and the health of my relationships. All of this effects not only myself and my life, but other people and their lives. I am but a tiny splash in the pond of the world, but even my splash causes ripples.
DH has commented about this - he notices a difference in the way I approach life and my interactions with people. He mentions it wistfully, because he doesn’t have as much time to muse about the big questions in life. Work is mentally taxing. When he comes home he just wants to veg-out, watch a movie, and try not to think. He said he feels like he is “falling behind” in his own intellectual pursuits because of working.
Hirshman wrote a follow up piece to her original article, where she comments about the overwhelmingly negative response to her article:
[…] the reaction to my judgment took me by surprise. It turns out that was what people really hated: the judgment. […] These so-called liberals and feminists, who were once in the forefront of making social change, declared that people could no longer suggest that women should change their lives.
Perhaps the problem here is that she expected gratitude for saying women who work have better lives. But most women I know don’t need to have their personal choices validated. However, they are quick to speak up if someone insults those choices. I’m not quite sure why Hirshman expected anything different than the lashing she got for speaking so condescendingly about stay-at-home moms.
She wasn’t supporting women who work, she was bashing those who don’t. She wasn’t suggesting change, she was snobbish and combative and the only thing she suggested was that her life was far superior to the lives of women who leave the workforce.
I don’t believe it’s her job, or anyone else’s for that matter, to tell women they must change their lives. What got Hirshman into trouble (aside from the degrading remarks about stay-at-home moms, belittling description of motherhood, and insulting commentary on bloggers) was thinking she had the right to tell other women how they should go about their lives and that we’d appreciate being ridiculed if we aren’t up to her standards. Letting women know they have options? Yes. Offering support to women? Yes. Telling them how they need to live their life? No.
In her criticism of an article about “choice feminism” she writes:
[others claim] that staying home with the kids is just one more feminist option. Funny that most men rarely make the same “choice.” Exactly what kind of choice is that?
I consider myself a feminist; I see it as believing in gender equality. But it’s one of those words that people interpret differently, such as Hirshman. Clearly, she would not label me as a feminist because she takes a narrow view of this word, but fortunately she’s not in charge of me, nor did anyone make her the Official Decider.
The fact is, it was my choice to be a stay-at-home mom. DH goes to work week after week to support me in that role. If you asked him he’d tell you that he feels he’s missing out on so much because of work. Given the opportunity, he’d happily leave the working world behind and embrace being a full-time dad. I wonder, would he be critized for this or applauded?
If truly had it our way, we’d both work part-time and parent full-time. But this is not a viable option for us, nor for most families. There is a desperate need for parents to have more choices when it comes to balancing the responsibilities of raising a family and making a living. Not all women want to be homemakers and not all dads want to be the breadwinners. Gaining rights and supporting the needs of all working parents is a pervasive, but often overlooked, social-justice issue in our society.
Despite what Linda Hirshman thinks, the bottom line is that I’m not being repressed nor marginalized by having made the decision to be a stay-at-home mom. Life is a balancing act. Just like most woman out there, I have tried to make the best choices I can for myself and my family.
5 Comments
June 28th, 2006 at 5:22 pm
I think you hit the nail on the head when you described Hirschman’s definition of feminism as “narrow.” I feel this woman is still living in the 70’s or something. I consider myself a feminist in the sense that I think opportunities should be open to both genders. But I do think men and women are made differently. Feminism has such a materialistic view of the world. Power and money are the only things that are seen as truly validating. Better off means thinking of yourself as no. 1 and not wanted to give or put others first. And the truth is I know plenty of working women who HATE their jobs and would love to be home with their kids. Not every job is a fulfilling dream career. You can sit all day in a really dull job and then come home to children who delight you with their curiousity. Who you joyfully curl up with and read that classic novel you never got to before. I have learned so much from my children. Hirschman just deals in outdated feministist bromides.
Anyway, aside from her hubris, she just comes off as so very narrow-minded.
Blessings,
Faith
June 28th, 2006 at 10:03 pm
No … there’s nothing valuable or intellectually stimulating about creating a life for your family and reaaring and educating children. Of course not.
I agree with you and Faith that this version of feminism is narrow and very outdated. I don’t consider it “feminism” at all - if one defines feminism - in part - as respecting women’s choices about how to create their lives and use their special gifts in the world.
June 29th, 2006 at 5:44 pm
I see both sides and I wish we could all just do whatever we want without someone judging us either way. I am a working woman without children and when I have children, I’ll probably still be taking home the bacon, because I make more than twice as much as my soon to be hubby (I’m getting married in a week!). I hope that I could be blessed enough to become a SAHM, but if I was to become a mother today, that just wouldn’t be possible, I’d be forced to utilize day care or have him be a SAHD.
What I can tell you, is that I’ve had more judgement than most people would believe, because I chose a man’s career rather than chosing a more traditional female career. Its the little things, people congratulate you for getting an advanced degree in engineering, then your own family makes jokes behind your back about how undomestic you are.
My extended family thinks that because I am an engineer that I can’t cook. A ridiculous assumption! I can cook and better than they cook most times (and they’ve had my cooking before, but I just didn’t tell them what I cooked at the potluck), I just don’t boast about my domestic skills, especially when what is important to me right now is my career skills, but I don’t boast about those either. I mostly just keep quiet and ignore their comments, because I know what the truth of it all is. Its like because I am not like them, its a shortcoming that is worthy of insult and mockery. I get the same feeling when hanging around female elementary school teachers. They all look at me the same. Because I am not working with children and being domestic, what I do is not viewed as worthwhile or fruitful.
However, on the flip side of that, I don’t judge them for their choices. I think its great that they are raising their own children and broadening the minds of our future generations. I wish I could have made similar choices, I just didn’t and couldn’t (my interests didn’t lie in those careers). I just wonder what it is they have against my choices. It really bothers me that I had goals and dreams and that I accomplished most of them, but to some women those things are worthless compared to my domestic skills.
June 30th, 2006 at 1:30 pm
I think it’s great that some women are fortunate enough to have found a partner in life that can support them and their kids.
I have yet to meet a real partner. I was married once before and made more money than my spouse. I helped get him out of debt so we could start life together on a clean slate and work towards having a family. Shortly after our one year anniversary, and with a clean credit report, he left me for another woman.
So, I continue on my career path, make back what I gave him, and hope that I do not find myself in that situation again.
I am in my mid-30s and have friends that are stay at home mothers. They tell me that I “need to get married” so I can “have kids.” They say that a job is “meaningless compared to the experience of raising children.”
I find that offensive. I am a responsible person who is taking care of myself and building a new business. I don’t tell them what they “need to do.” I just wish that women, no matter what their status, or situation, could just respect all types of lifestyles and life paths.
June 30th, 2006 at 2:57 pm
workerbee - I completely agree with you. We should be affirming and supporting all of our choices, not tearing each other down. I don’t think anyone can say what is meaningful for another person. Marriage, parenthood, working - those are all personal decisions and no one thing is going to be right for everyone. I suppose your friends found happiness and they want the same for you because they love you - they just don’t realize how their words sound. Next time they mention this stuff you should tell them exactly what you just said here!